Companies Bringing Back DEI After Realizing Women, Minorities Can be Paid Less
Published April 2025 0 Comments | Share:
After realizing they can pay women and minorities less, companies are bringing back DEI initiatives.
NEW YORK, NY – Companies across the country have been reinstituting Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) campaigns after realizing women and minorities can be paid less than white men.
“We stopped our DEI stuff after the election when we thought we didn’t have to have it anymore,” said IBM Chief Operations Officer, Bill Paxon. “It was all pretty much for show anyway. But a month or so ago our accountants pointed out that our payroll had gone up since we started only hiring white guys. Turns out we can pay women and minorities a hell of a lot less than white guys so… we are proud to announce that we are reinstituting our DEI programs starting immediately.”
Companies such as Target, Hewlitt Packard, and Motorola have already fully rebuilt DEI teams and have started implementing DEI practices with new, open positions with specific focus of hiring women and minorities.
“Yes, we are now going to be actively working to hire more women and minorities to keep our budgets down,” said Motorola, Human Resources Manager, Gabe Clemenly. “But we are still going to be hiring a bunch of white men. Don’t worry about that. We are just going to off-set those hires with women and minorities that make one third the salary.”
Earlier this year, several Fortune 500 companies ended all DEI policies even though the decisions were met with protests from consumers and, in many cases, shareholders.
“We stopped all DEI initiatives and fired a shit ton of people that we hired under those policies and replaced them with fellow white, straight, men,” said Hewlitt Packard Vice President of Development, Arnold Bastion. “For a while it was great. No chicks or… other people making us have to watch what we say. It was like being back at the frat house! But after a couple months we realized, we were having to pay all our white, male, friends way more than we ever had to pay women or… other people. So we are going back to DEI… you know, for the bottom line.”
Although DEI efforts will be reinitiated, companies are quick to point out that they will not be laying off or otherwise removing any white men hired this year.
“Oh no… we aren’t going to fire any of our white brothers. That’s crazy to even think about,” said Paxon. “No, we need the white guys to show all the new hires how to do stuff. Well, not all the stuff. We don’t want some new hire woman to start thinking that she can sit around all day talking about football. No, we need them to work!”
In the past two years, DEI policies and practices have come under fire from Conservative groups.
“White men,” said Republican Senator, Ted Cruz. “White men. That’s what’s important. White men. White men should get all the jobs. White men should get all the money. White men should get all the power. That is what America needs to be about. Not women. Not minorities. And it’s about damn time we got back to that. Even though I’m only kind of white, and could probably be considered a DEI hire here in the Senate, it is important for people to realize that white men need to rule the world.”
While many critics of the cancellation of DEI programs are happy about the reversals, many still feel that the state of DEI programs need support.
“I love that I can go back to Target and buy stuff again without feeling guilty,” said Francine Redmond, 37 of Fresno, CA. “Of course, I only wish (Target) was going back to DEI for good reasons. Look, I’m all in favor of white guys getting a lot of the jobs. I’ve been alive long enough; I know things will never fully change. But at least with DEI regulations in place, I had a chance of getting a job. Now, the only places that will hire me are daycares and pre-schools. Did I mention that I used to be the CEO of The GAP?”
Most of the corporations that cancelled their DEI programs hope to have a new DEI system in place by the end of the month.
“It’s going to be hard, you know, hiring a woman or a… minority instead of a perfectly good white guy for a job,” said Bastion. “But hey, look at the bright side. Now we can hire more chicks with gigantic tits. And I’ll be getting a huge raise. It’s really a win-win situation.”
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