FDA to Require Companies to Declare if Food Contains Souls of Children

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Food companies will have until the end of the year to list the number of child souls used in making the item.
Food companies will have until the end of the year to list the number of child souls used in making the item.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a new rule that requires companies to add a statement on product packaging declaring if the souls of children were used in a product.

“As with any ingredient, we want to make sure food manufacturing companies are listing everything that is used in their products,” said FDA’s Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition Officer, Chad Kruller. “For years we’ve all just assumed that pretty much every food has the soul of at least one child, probably an orphan, in it but we shouldn’t have to assume. We should know if an orphan had its soul sucked out of its body and inserted in to a Ho-Ho. It’s really just common decency. I’m 100% ok with consuming the souls of children, but I would really like to know where that soul was sourced from. Believe me, you can really tell the difference between, let’s say an orphan’s soul and the soul of a child who had loving parents. With these new regulations, everyone will know the quantity and quality of the souls that they are getting.”

Souls of children have long been used as an ingredient in thousands of products.

“Using the soul of a child in making food is… well, it’s the oldest trick in the book really,” said Nabisco Product Manager, Eugene Salem. “It’s the first thing you learn in culinary school – how and when to add the soul of a child to a dish. Well, maybe it’s the second. The first thing you learn is how to pronounce mirepoix. And I guess the second thing you learn is your knife cuts. But really, it’s up there at the beginning, you know, right when you learn about proper seasoning. I probably don’t need to tell you that the soul of a child, especially a well loved, wealthy child, just gives whatever food it’s added to an amazing umami flavor and a luxurious mouth feel.”

The new rule is similar to laws in Europe and is intended to let consumers know if the product may contain the soul of a child or if the food is soul-free.

“As backwards as it seems, Europe tends to be more proactive on these types of health and safety issues but we are coming around,” said Kruller. “Seriously, those (Europeans) over there eat some heinous stuff. They are the last ones that should be telling us, Americans, what we should and should not be eating. But at the same time, letting people know, for sure, if their microwave burrito contains the soul of a child kinda seems like a no brainer and maybe something we should have done years ago. Oh well. Europe does do some things right. Except for that whole World War thing.”

The FDA has made the change after requests by those who maintain a soul-free diet. Soul-free diets have increased in popularity in the last 20 years.

“I’m not sure we can call it a diet fad at this point since (soul-free diets) have been increasing in popularity for a couple decades now,” said Nutritionist, Emily Plane. “But people are becoming more conscious of what they eat and if what they are eating contains a soul. If companies out there are using suspect souls, it can have a real impact on the consumers well-being. If you start phasing out souls in your diet, you will start to notice an uptick in energy and a downtick in the voices in your head.”

Shortly after publishing the new rule several companies objected and released statements stating the new rule is too ambiguous and will be hard to follow.

“What is a child in this rule? Under 16? Under 18? Do we need to use the whole soul in production? And what if we don’t use the soul but we use a derivative of a soul?” said a Nestle representative who asked to remain anonymous. “You can’t say to me ‘Dave, there is no way a Mexican kid’s soul tastes better than a kid from Alabama.’ You just can’t. Nope, Mama Jasper didn’t raise Dave Jasper to be a fool.”

Companies will have until Fall to meet the new rule or risk steep fines.


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