Local Man Spends Holiday Parties Explaining When He Purchased His Tesla

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Mike Velenski spent much of his time at recent holiday parties explaining that he purchased his Tesla prior to learning Elon Musk is a dipshit.
Mike Velenski spent much of his time at recent holiday parties explaining that he purchased his Tesla prior to learning Elon Musk is a dipshit.

SEATTLE, WA – A local Tesla owner, Mike Velenski, spent a large portion of recent holiday parties explaining to family and coworkers that he purchased the vehicle before finding out Elon Musk is a complete dipshit.

“It is important to me that everyone I know knows that I purchased my Tesla in 2016, way before we all found out how big of a dipshit (Elon) Musk is,” said Velenski. “And since the holiday parties brough together pretty much everyone I knew… it seemed like the perfect place to make things clear. If I had know that (Musk) was going to become what he is now, there is no way that I would have bought a Tesla. I would have gone with a Chevy Bolt, or something. Hell, I would have even gone for one of those shitty Nissan Leafs.”

Velenski attended two work parties and four family gatherings over the holidays and during each party he made an effort to tell every attendee when and why he bought his Tesla.

“When I got to the parties I made a checklist of everyone there and made sure I went up to every single person and told them when I bought my Tesla,” said Velenski. “I didn’t have much time for much else so I don’t really know what everyone is up to these days or how they are doing but I can take some comfort in knowing that at least everyone knows I’m not an asshole that still likes Musk.”

Velenski said that in addition to explaining that he purchased his Tesla prior to finding out Musk is a dipshit, he also made it clear that he would definitely not buy a Tesla now.

“I think, at the end of the day, I also wanted to make it clear that I would definitely not buy a Telsa now, knowing what I know,” said Velenski. “I really am embarrassed that I have to drive the thing now, but, you know, I can’t just get rid of it. For one thing, I’d already put a shit ton of money into it before (Musk) went off the deep end. On top of that, I doubt anyone would even want to buy it now, you know, on account of (Musk) being a complete dipshit.”

Although few of Velenski’s friends and coworkers knew when he bought his Telsa, they were relieved that he bought it before finding out Musk is a dipshit. “You can really tell a lot about a person based on when they bought or even thought about buying a Tesla,” said Velenski’s friend and coworker, Reuben Ferdit. “If someone bought one like five years ago chances are they were excited about breaking free from fossil fuels and trying in at least a very small way to make a positive move for climate change. Or maybe they were just in to the idea of self-driving cars. Hell, even if you bought it two years ago, you probably aren’t an asshole. But if someone bought one in the last year or so they are probably a dipshit that still uses Twitter.”

Despite not wanting to be associated with a dipshit like Musk, Velenski is still happy with the purchase of the car.

“Sure, it’s got some issues, but what car doesn’t?” said Velenski. “It gets great mileage and charges relatively quickly. If only (Musk) wasn’t such a dipshit. In a perfect world, the company and technology would be taken away from him and given to someone less dipshitty, but unfortunately, that’s not going to happen. At least not anytime soon. I just hope that something does happen before I have to get a new car. Man, it would suck if I had to buy one of those Mazda ones. Good god those things suck.”


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