Remembering Those We Lost in 2023

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As the new year dawns, it’s time to look back on those we lost in 2023. The Scoop News has decided to honor some of The Scoop News Staff that passed away last year in brief memoriam.

Hank Williamson, 44, Publishing Technician
Hank died doing what he loved – servicing the large machines used to print The Scoop News. It was this love that likely led to his death as Williamson was found dead next to one of the presses. Investigations in to the incident determined Williamson had inserted his penis in to a soft and squishy part of the press. Ultimately his penis was ripped from his body and he died within moments from blood loss. He will be greatly missed by all that knew him.

Wes Clammons, 58, Publishing Technician
Wes was a valuable member of The Scoop News publishing team – especially after the untimely passing of Hank Williamson. Like Hank, Wes shared a passion for servicing The Scoop News printing machines. Perhaps that passion, or perhaps the knowledge that there was a soft and squishy part on the press, is what led Wes to stick his penis in to the exact same location as Hank. And like Hank, Wes’ penis was ripped from his body, and he died from his injuries. He is survived by three children and his wife Tammy.

Kyle Stellens, 63, Publishing Manager
Kyle cared deeply for his employees. So much so that he spent a great deal of time trying to ensure that what happened to Hank and Wes would not happen to anyone else. Kyle spent weeks investigating the soft and squishy spot in the press that claimed the lives of Hank and Wes. But ultimately Kyle’s curiosity and interest in the soft and squishy spot took over and he too stuck his penis in the machine. Fortunately for Kyle, the ripping off of his penis was so brutal that he died instantly, saving him from the agony that Hank and Wes surely endured. Donations can be made in Kyle’s name to The Penis Project, a non-profit with the mission to teach men not to stick their penises in things that may rip them off.

Dean Jeffries, 39, Accountant
Dean was a recent addition to The Scoop News team but he was a valuable and loved member of the staff. As he was new, having started his position at The Scoop three months before his death, no one is quite sure why he went to the printing facilities and stuck his penis into the same machine that killed Hank, Wes, and Kyle. Dean will be missed, but not by that many as again, he was fairly new.

Hank Williamson Jr., 23, Intern
Hank Jr. was a lot like his father. He shared his father’s love of fly fishing and the San Francisco 49ers. Hank Jr., as many of us found out later, had committed himself to destroying the machine that claimed the life of his father and the others. Temptation though proved too strong and Hank Jr., like his father and several others before him, was killed after sticking his penis in the printing press. Services for Hank Jr. will be held next week at Captain McSwiggs Funeral Home and Massage Center.

Jasper Quibble, 71, Publisher
The entire Scoop News staff owes everything to Quibble, the Scoop News Publisher. Quibble built The Scoop News from the ground up in the late 70s and made it the paper of record it is today. To say the staff was shocked to learn that Quibble had snuck down to the Publishing center and stuck his penis in the same machine that had taken so many lives would be an understatement. Some say that he had a theory on the correct way to stick his penis into the machine while others say that he was just looking for one last thrill to end his otherwise boring and predictable life. Whatever the reason, we will never know, but we hope that he has finally found peace and has been reunited with his wife, Jeanette, who passed in 2012, when she stuck her whole fist into the soft, squishy part of the printing press.


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