IRVINE, CA – Taco Bell will be rolling out a new menu item this month consisting of a wad of meat, cheese, and lettuce rolled into a ball. Taco Bell “chefs” are calling the new creation El Wado.
“We here at Taco Bell always try to stay on the edge of culinary trends and offer our customers deliciousness in a variety of dishes,” said Corporate Chef, Roberta Herdes. “We also always want our menu to be new and fresh… well, I mean not the ingredients. Those won’t ever be fresh. I meant… fresh as in new. I guess that’s a little redundant then when I say new and fresh so… let’s just stick with new. As I was saying, we want our menus to always have something new. Americans, specifically those that eat at Taco Bell, have really short attention spans so if we don’t have something new on our menu every two weeks, they will forget that Taco Bell exists.”
To create the El Wado, Taco Bell employees will take a small handful of ground beef, a small handful of cheese, and a small handful of lettuce then roll the ingredients into a ball.
“The trick to perfecting the El Wado is to not use gloves,” said Herdes. “When you go gloveless, or as we call it in the industry, ‘Raw Dogging,’ you get the heat from your hands that helps things come together. You’ve got the somewhat hot meat, but when you add the cheeses and raw dog it a little, the cheese melts and it gets all mixed in with the meat and creates a cohesive unit. A nice wad of… stuff. It also helps that the cheese we use is one molecule away from glue. Yeah, that helps quite a bit.”
According to Agustus Itnow, Head of Taco Bell’s R&D department, the inspiration for El Wado comes from Taco Bell customers.
“Taco Bell customers have, in general, given up. They’ve given up on finding something good to eat, they’ve given up on eating healthy, and they’ve given up on… well, life I guess,” said Itnow. “So that’s what the El Wado is all about – giving up. We gave up trying to come up with something new and ‘good’ and we are well aware that our customers have given up so we figured, why shouldn’t we? Just give up. So, we did. And that’s what the El Wado is all about. This is us saying ‘fuck it’ and throwing things together in one sloppy mess that the consumer can feel just as bad eating as we do making it.”
Chefs at the company spent several weeks working on new menu items and El Wado was the only new creation to make it to the menu.
“Oddly enough, the El Wado was the only item this quarter that actually worked out,” said Herdes. “We had some great ideas like Mountain Dew Baja Blast flavored ‘meat.’ But we’re still trying to crack the formula on that one. Then we had the Burracorito, which is kinda like the Turduken, where we take our Enchirito, stuff it in a taco and then stuff all that into a burrito. Then we deep fry it and cover it with sauces and cheese. That’s a tough one, because on paper, all of that shit should be amazing together, but for some reason, it just looks like a mess of diarrhea. Now I know that’s what it will ultimately become, but we don’t want remind people of that right off the bat.”
According to Taco Bell, the new El Wado will be available in all restaurants starting on August 12.