Scientists Identify Gene Responsible for Making Truck Owners Back into Parking Spots
Published May 2023 0 Comments | Share:
A research team at Stanford University has found the gene that forces truck owners to back in to parking spots.
STANFORD, CA – Researchers at Stanford University have identified the gene responsible for making Pickup Truck owners back in to parking spaces.
“We’ve been chasing this particular gene sequence for a very long time,” said Stanford Biology Professor, Michael Kobalt. “But after… fuck, like 10 years we’ve finally found it, I think. And now we know why all those fucking guys with those stupidly big pickup trucks back in to parking spaces.”
Kobalt and his research team began looking for the gene responsible for truck owners backing in to parking spots after observing the behavior in several different parts of the country.
“After traveling around the country, I began to notice that just about everywhere I went these fucking guys in their big, dumb trucks would back in to parking spots,” said Kobalt. “At first, I thought it was just something they found on Tik Tok or something or that maybe they all learned it when they got their dumb trucks from the dealership. But as we began to look at it, we began to realize that the dumb bastards didn’t even realize they were doing it. It was a compulsion. The compulsion only really occurs with dudes who have those big, dumb fucking trucks. And I’ll bet you know what I’m talking about here. You never see like, a fucking Subaru backed in to a spot.”
The research team is unsure why the gene exists or if it is related to an evolutionary need in early humans.
“It’s been common knowledge for some time now that humans, as a species, like to ‘back that ass up,’ as the kids like to say,” said study coordinator, Trenton Huggins. “While the phrase is most commonly associated today with hip-hop, it’s reach is evident all the way back to the cave paintings of the Anasazi tribe in Arizona. And when you look at the gene that we discovered things start to make sense. In all the cave painting, the depictions of the men riding the biggest, dumbest looking horses are always facing the other way when compared to the other figures in the paintings. It’s quite incredible, really.”
Although the gene has been found, Kobalt was quick to point out that there currently is no way to alter the gene or bypass the behavior.
“It’s genetic so there isn’t a lot we can do… maybe try to breed the behavior out of the population?” said Kobalt. “But maybe we can all use this knowledge to give us all a little bit of sympathy. Like… when we see some fucking guy in a big, dumb truck pull in to a parking lot and then spend the next five minutes steering and trying to back in to a parking spot for no fucking reason… we can just look at them and know that the poor bastards can’t help themselves. It’s genetic. They’re just doing what their big, dumb ancestors did.”
By identifying the gene, Kobalt now hopes the research team can begin searching for genes responsible for other, possibly related behavior.
“With the discovery of the back-in gene, we feel that we are also really close to what we’re calling the ‘Raiders’ gene,” Kobalt said. “You know, the gene that is also common with big truck owners need to put a big ass Raiders logo sticker on the back of their big, dumb trucks. It seems that they are probably the same gene with a small mutation.”
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