WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Mike Pence has been sent to a maintenance shop after aides forgot to plug the Vice President in to a power source before the long holiday vacation.
“Unfortunately Vice President Pence will be unavailable for bit as he’s been sent in to the shop to have his battery replaced… again,” said the Vice Presidents Personal Assistant, Peter McDougal. “It looks like one of the junior staff, the one responsible for making sure to plug Pence in before he left, forgot to plug Pence in before he left and Pence’s battery totally died. It’s no big deal, nothing to worry about, we just need to have Pence’s battery replaced. It’s a relatively simple thing and we bought the Extended Service Program on (Pence) so the battery replacement charge is just 15 dollars.”
White House staff returned from vacation on Monday and found Pence leaning against a wall with zero percent battery power.
“When we all returned from the holiday… sorry, Christmas, vacation we came back to find Pence with no power just kinda leaning against a wall,” said McDougal. “At first we were kinda scared like ‘Oh shit, (Pence) is dead,’ but then we remembered he’s a robot so it was fine. Still, it’s a bit unnerving to come in and see someone like that. Those dead eyes, staring at you. It’s even worse when he’s powered down. Can eyes look more dead? Like, if someone has been dead for 30 days, do they look more dead than someone who’s only been dead for a day? I don’t know, I’m just curious.”
Attempts to repower Pence failed so the Vice President was sent to an on-site maintenance facility.
“When we realized (Pence) was at 0% battery we tried plugging him in but his battery wouldn’t hold a charge,” said White House staffer, Walton Winston. “He just would, like, buzz every minute or so but his forhead just said 0% – even after eight hours on the charger.”
This marks the third time in three years Pence has had to have his battery replaced as staff frequently forget to plug him in to a power source.
“With so much other shit going on lately, it’s been a bit hit or miss on whether or not (Pence) gets plugged in,” said McDougal. “The thing is, you don’t want to plug him in all night, because, you know, they say you shouldn’t do that. So really, replacement is the only option.”
McDougal says the White House is considering upgrading to a newer version of the Pence robot with a better battery life but the budget office is not sure if it would be worth the cost.
“A new Pence would be about $3.7 million and… that’s a lot when you already have a Pence that mostly works just fine,” said White House Budget officer, Mark Ramson. “Yeah the battery dies on (Pence) really fast and he’s kinda slow but… he does everything we need him to do. And basically all we really need him to do is keep his eyes open and just… wander around a bit. And the model we have does that. But the new one does have facial recognition. I don’t know. Maybe the old one will just totally crap out and then we’ll be forced to made a decision.”