Five Ways to Tell If You Are Addicted to Your Phone

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As smartphones have become an increasingly important part of our lives some experts are growing concerned we may be developing an addicted to our phones.

“Smartphones, without a doubt, are an integral and valuable part of our lives now,” said Harvard Professor and addiction researcher, Cheryl Daniels. “But – and this is a big but – we may, as a species, humans, I mean, we may actually be too reliant on our phones, and by that I mean, we, of all ages, are using our phones too much. We are on our phones all day, every day. And we, scientists, are starting to think that may not be a good thing and may be having a strong negative impact on our health in various ways. So we, scientists, are suggesting that perhaps we, humans, everyone, including myself, put down our phones for most of the day and only use our phones when we need to. You know, like when you have to watch porn on the bus ride home.”

According to several addiction and technology experts, here are five ways to tell if you are addicted to your smartphone.

You use your phone more than 30 minutes a day.
“There is no reason whatsoever for using your phone for more than 30 minutes a day,” said addiction researcher at National Institute of Addiction, Fred Harrots. “If you do use your phone more than 30 minutes a day then you are a fucking addict. You hear me Sarah? Put your fucking phone down for five fucking seconds and do the goddamned dishes like your mother and I asked you to. Is it too much to ask that you put the phone down and talk to your parents instead of facesnapping with all your stupid, shitty little friends all goddamned day? It’s the same fucking picture, every fucking time. The only thing that changes is the background. ”

You use your phone instead of talking face-to-face with people.
“If you find yourself using your phone to send messages to people or maybe even call people… you might be addicted to your phone,” said technology addiction counselor, Tim Smith. “If you use your thumbs to tippy-tap-tap smiley faces and send them to your bff… you might be addicted to your phone. If you’d rather see a tiny little screen then your wife’s face… you might be addicted to your phone.”

You forego food and sleep for long periods of time while using your phone.
“People that are addicted to their phones often will, because of the addiction, go for long periods of time, more than 60 days in extreme instances, without food and without sleep, because they, people who are addicted, are lost in their phones and unable to break free from the phone and… um, I’m sorry, I forgot the question,” said Daniels. “Regardless, people that are addicted to their phones are so messed up they don’t eat or sleep for days. That’s what I was trying to say.”

You regularly sell organs or other body parts on the black market to pay for new phones or new apps.
“People who are addicted to their phones go to extremes to support their habits, even and often selling their own body parts,” said addiction counselor, Emily Brentonshire. “One guy I was working with sold his spleen, right foot, left eye, right nipple, most of his pubic hair, and a lung just to put the initial payment on a Samsung Galaxy Note 7. And that’s the phone that was blowing up. Can you imagine going through all that and then getting a phone that blew up? But yeah, if you sell your body parts to get a new phone you have a problem and you should seek help. Unless you are selling body parts for the new iPhone. That makes total sense. But not for an Android phone. Those are kinda lame.”

You crush your phone into a fine dust, heat it up with a small amount of saline in a dirty spoon, and inject it directly in to your vein.
“If you are taking your phone and smashing it in to a fine dust and then mixing that dust with a bit of water and then taking a syringe and filling that syringe with the phone dust and injecting that straight in to your arm… you might be an addict,” said Smith. “If you are injecting your phone directly in to your blood because smoking it takes too long to get you going… you might be an addict. Wait, I’ve got one more. If you are loading up a syringe with phone dust and injecting it in to your penis ‘cus it’s the best way to get that phone in to your system the fastest and it makes sex crazy good… you might be an addict.”

If you or someone you know may be addicted to their smartphones researchers urge you to contact addiction specialists in your area.

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