WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is demanding that the training wheels be removed from his bicycle as he is “a big boy that can ride a bike like a big boy.”
“I don’t want training wheels on my bike. It’s my bike and I am president and I don’t want wheels on my bike. Take them off. Take them off. Take them off! Now, now, now!” said Trump. “Mine, mine, mine. No collusion! No Russia! My bike. Mine, mine, mine. I want no wheels on my bike! This is all the Democrats fault! No wheels!”
Trump has never used the bicycle but made the demand after seeing television news footage of Nancy Pelosi riding a bicycle to promote “bike to work week.”
“Ugh… so, Trump saw a video clip on Fox News about (Nancy) Pelosi riding a bike and it just set him off,” said acting White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney. “Now to be fair, everything sets that idiot off but… (Trump) saw that video and immediately started kicking his legs and throwing his arms around like this and started screaming about how he wants a bike. We then reminded him that there is a bike in the garage. And when Trump eventually got up and went to the garage he saw that there were training wheels on his bike and the tantrum started right up again.”
Vice President Mike Pence and others around the White House are reluctant to remove the training wheels. According to White House staffers, Pence has told the President that the wheels won’t be removed and that removing them would prove Trump’s inauguration was “not well attended.”
“If we take the training wheels off Trump will hurt himself,” said Pence. “It’s really that simple. (Trump), put delicately, is an idiot. He has the mental capacity of a brain dead two-year-old, and when he get his mind set on something, well, you better get out of his way. Or you can just hold off till the next thing sets him off. But I tricked him a bit, which is a trick we do around here, by telling him that if we did what he wanted then everyone would know the truth about his inauguration.”
The training wheels have been on Trump’s bike since 1971. According to multiple accounts, Trump’s father ordered a servant to attach the training wheels to prevent Trump from embarrassing the family.
“Trump’s father knew, he knew that Donald was a stupid, lazy, worthless, fragile, weak… um, dumb, uncoordinated, spaz that would simply be unable to ride a bike without training wheels without immediately crashing and embarrassing the entire family,” said Trump biographer, Ashley Katcher. “You have to remember, always remember, that Trump is a stupid, stupid person that is really just ill equipped to even be alive. And his father knew that. One of the reasons Trump was sent to military school is because he ate glue for 10 straight days when he was 12. If it weren’t for his father or his wealth and access to doctors, he would have been a Darwin Award winner a long time ago.”
Trump says that if the training wheels are not removed soon he will issue an executive order.
“If the training wheels aren’t off by the time I finish my happy meal… then… I’ll make a paper thing that says my bike can’t have wheels on it and then that will show them,” said Trump. “Lock her up!”