BOISE, ID – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has started offering a new driver service, similar to Uber and Lyft, aimed specifically at people planning to drink large amounts of alcohol.
The new service will be called Funmobile and all drivers will be members of the church, commonly referred to as Mormons. Unlike other services the Mormon drivers will wait in their cars until their customers are ready to go home.
“We are really excited about this new service our church will offer,” said creator of the service, David Freeman. “We of the LDS faith are very good at driving around, watching people have fun, and sitting patiently in the car waiting for people who are having fun to finish having fun and then taking them home. No one is as good at not being fun as us. I’m really good at not having fun. It was my major at BYU.”
Funmobile will offer customers several features including “eerily happy drivers, sing-a-longs, white bread, grape juice and free baptisms.”
“We want to make it fun for people that are going out to have fun,” said Funmobile driver, Jared Freeman. “When we are driving people around we will sing and we will tell them happy stories and have some crafts they can make and when we get there we will all have a big hug and we will definitely baptism them – regardless if they want to be baptized or not.”
The initial launch of Funmobile will be targeted to areas with a very large number of LDS to ensure the church can support potential customers.“Of course we’ll be all over Utah and Arizona, and, oddly enough Sherman Oaks, California. Those are going to be our test markets, and hopefully, by the end of the year, we’ll have Funmobile’s in every city in the country” said Church spokesman, John Nichols.
Funmobile drivers are encouraged to bring along their entire family which church leaders say will provide several benefits.
“We want our drivers to feel like they can bring their entire family along while they are working,” said Funmobile manager, Brandon Freeman. “If their families are there with them then the men won’t have to worry about what their families would be doing without them because they will be right there next to them where they can watch them. And yes, of course only men will be allowed to be drivers for Funmobile. Women will obviously be too busy being pregnant or just doing what they are told to do in general.”
Church officials decided to create the service as a way to speed up construction on new temples planned for locations across the country.
“Membership has been a little down lately, as we’ve seen a lot of the younger generation leaving the church due to our ‘crazy’ ideas about ‘women’ and ‘minorities’ and you know, ‘the gays,’” said church spokesman, Ryan Nichols. “With this new endeavor, we can recoup some of the lost income. Then we can build new temples that will bring the kids back into the fold. Temples with, I don’t know, waterslides and, um, other things that kids like these days. I heard something about a Mono challenge, or something along those lines. Maybe we can steal that and call it the Mormon challenge. I’ll have to look into that and see what it’s all about.”
Per church rules, the church will take 90% of earnings and drivers will give an additional 90% of their earnings to the church.