Last Known Tamagotchi Dies, Species Believe to be Extinct

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Omaru, the last known Tamagotchi has died in Japan.

TOKYO, JAPAN – The last known Tamagotchi in captivity has died.

According to staff at a Shinryōsho Sūpā Dejitaru animal rehabilitation center in Tokyo, the Tamagotchi, Omaru, died peacefully in its sleep last week.

“It is very regrettable to announce that dear friend Omaru Tamagotchi is dead and is no longer going to be alive now,” said Omaru caretaker, Horika Oguro. “Because Omaru is no longer alive we will no longer feed it or take care of it. That is good because we did not like Omaru and Tamagotchi are very stupid things. I am very much glad Omaru is dead now. Having to take care of this creature has brought much shame to my family.”

In 1995 the Tamagotchi was estimated to be in the millions and the creatures were found on every continent except Antarctica. Due to dishonorable, careless, easily distracted caretakers Tamagotchi numbers dwindled quickly. By 1999 only 200 Tamagotchi were reported to be alive.

“I had a Tamagotchi when I was a child and I loved it for several days,” said Heather Glasser. “But then I just put it on my dresser and watched it die. I didn’t feed it. I didn’t do anything except watch it die. I watched it die and I loved it. I loved watching the life fade from my little Tamagotchi. The looks that it gave me as I just sat there, watching it go. You know that old line about shooting someone just to watch them die? I wish I could have shot my Tamagotchi and looked it right in the eyes as its life faded away. Since then I’ve watched many, many things die but I will always remember that first one.”

Wildlife experts are doubtful any Tamagotchi still exist in the wild, possibly making Omaru the last Tamagotchi in existence.

“Before there were many Tamagotchi but now there are not many Tamagotchi,” said Tamagotchi expert, Migo Momiyama. “This is very good thing but it may not be seen as a good thing. Tamagotchi are very dumb things and they should be dead. They can not exist on their own. They can not feed themselves. They are very stupid creatures.”

Omaru was delivered to the center four years ago after being abandoned by its owner.

“The owner was not very honorable,” Oguro said. “The Tamagotchi was very weak, had not been fed in many days. I would have liked to let it die right then, but my boss said I would be fired. So I feed it. And it lived, and now I am sad that I wasted all these years taking care of a sad, stupid creature.”

Per Japanese culture, Omaru will be taken to a peaceful spot along a river, smashed with a hammer and urinated on while a sumo wrestler shouts about shoes.

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