WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has proposed simplifying the United States of America flag to one red, one blue and one red stripe.
“Our flag, I love it, I really do, but it could use a makeover,” said Trump. “I don’t like things that are more than 18-years-old and the flag, it’s up there. I have some great ideas to make it great. Big and beautiful. I have the best ideas. I won the biggest election in history with my ideas. Everyone always asks me about my ideas. I sure like flags though. I like our flag. I just think it could use some work. A nip here, a tuck there. I look around and I see countries with really nice flags that look really new and we should have that. I’ll call it ‘Trump Flag.’ It will be great. All the other countries will be jealous. I invented the flag, did you know that? Before me, people just waved fabric with things printed on them.”
Shortly after the press conference several Democrats pointed out that Trump’s flag design is identical to the design of the Russia flag.
“You realize that (Trump) just told the entire world that he wants to change the American flag to look just like Russia’s flag, right? I mean, you guys all heard that right?” said Senator Elizabeth Warren. “I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, what does that idiot have to do? He wants to change our flag to look like Russia’s flag! Next week he will probably suggest we rename the capital to ‘Moscow.’”
During a press conference about the Opioid epidemic Trump spent 45 minutes or the schedule 50 minutes discussing changes he’d like to make to the flag to “spice it up.”
“Opie… oidsesses are bad. Our flag though, look at that thing there. Isn’t that great?” said Trump. “It’s a great flag but, it’s kind of a mess. It’s all complicated. How many stars are on there? Who knows? No one knows. There are way too many to count. And those stripes are too small. We should have huge stripes. But I love that flag like one of my children. Like… whatshisname? Rick? Is that right? Anyway, I love that flag like one of my own children that’s why it should get done up a bit better.”
Trump said he was inspired to change the flag after seeing other world leaders, specifically Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un, standing in front of their country’s flag.
“I saw my best friend Putin the other day on TV. He was standing in front of a whole bunch of Russia flags and he looked great. The flags looked great,” said Trump. “Everyone was paying attention to him and no one was calling him dumb-dumb and everyone thought he was the coolest guy. I am no dumb-dumb. People think I am the coolest. So I should have flags that make me look like not a dumb-dumb or not look um… stupid and… flag. That’s a funny word. I won the election by a lot. The best election win ever. That’s what everyone says.”
Current White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, walked back Trump’s comments about changing the flag saying Trump was speaking hypothetically and metaphorically.
“The President wasn’t really suggesting that we create a new flag for the United States, he was just using the flag as a metaphor for… um… the… immigration. Let’s say it was a metaphor for immigration,” Mulvaney said. “We won’t really be replacing the flag. I mean, we might, because (Trump) is a lunatic and will probably declare a national emergency to change the flag. But as of right now, um, no, we aren’t planning on really changing the flag. Remember that the President is a dumb, dumb man and he will probably forget this whole thing by tomorrow afternoon. I have the worst job.”
When asked about Trump’s comments regarding the flag, Republican senators both rejected and supported Trump’s design idea.
“The President’s idea to redesign our flag is reprehensible and I cannot support that but the flag is old and the President’s design is a very good one,” said Senator Lindsey Graham.