Ten Ways to Make Yourself More Efficient at Work

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever. Companies are always looking to reduce waste and get as much out of employees as legally possible so replacing below average, or even average employees with super-efficient robots is easier than ever.

To help our readers to not get replaced by robots, The Scoop News has contacted several efficiency experts and asked them for the 10 best tips anyone can take to make sure they are as efficient at work as possible.

Tie yourself to your desk
“It’s simple, really, if you can’t get up from your desk you will just keep working,” said Working It Magazine editor, Carole Anderson. “You can tie your shoe laces to your office chair, or tie your waist to your desk or even get one of those professional sex dungeon BDSM kits and really strap yourself down to your work station – whatever it takes to keep you at your desk and working.”

Get an IV and catheter inserted into your body
“Companies lose a lot of money every time an employee gets up for a drink or to go to the bathroom,” said business efficiency consultant, Jack Hitchcock. “So if you want to be viewed as reliable and efficient as an employee, you’ll need to make sure you are not going to the bathroom or getting up from your desk for water. The best way to do that is to get a personal IV drip and a catheter. You get those and you won’t need to drink anything and you won’t need to get up to pee. Of course if you have to make a doodee you’ll still need to get up. And I wouldn’t recommend getting a colostomy bag because that’s just fucking gross. No one, not even managers, want someone sitting there and making doodees at their desk. Yuck!”

Identify inefficient coworkers and work just a little bit harder/better than them
“One thing to really remember is that you don’t have to be the best – you just shouldn’t be the worst,” said Anderson. “So look around your office and find the people that are slackers, the other employees that do the same job as you but don’t do it as well. Identify those people and work just a little bit harder than them. That way, when management comes around looking for employees to replace with robots they will skip past you and go straight to the worst of your area. But just know that once the worst have been replaced by robots you will need to identify the new worst employee and work harder and better than them. You need to make sure you always know who the worst employee is. The good thing is that it’s usually Steve. Every office has a Steve and they’re almost always the worst.”

Do whatever your boss tells you, no matter what it is
“If your boss comes to you and asks you to do something you need to do it!” said Harvard Business Professor, Robert McCann. “If you ever, ever say ‘no’ to your boss you’ve pretty much signaled to them that you aren’t a team player. So it doesn’t matter what they ask you to do you need to do it. Even if they ask you to do things that aren’t in your ‘job description.’ If you are a Business Analyst and your boss asks you to clean the shitter… you go clean that shitter! Never, ever say ‘no’ to something your boss asks you to do or you will come in the next day and find yourself replaced by a robot. Oh, and don’t join a union. Unions protect employees from this type of thing and companies hate it when you join a union.”

Be concise and polite
“When someone asks you to do something make sure you don’t go on and on and waste time with unnecessary words,” said McCann. “Be polite and be quick. Stick to ‘yeah bitch, totally’ as a response. ‘Yeah bitch, totally’ is only four syllables and that is a very efficient sentence. And everyone likes to be called ‘bitch’. In the business world there isn’t a better term of endearment.”

Use urine to clean workstation and breakroom
“Saving the company money is a great way to be efficient,” said Hitchcock. “One great way to save a company money is to reduce the cost of cleaning supplies and janitorial staff. Not a lot of people know this but urine is a great cleaning tool. So use your urine to clean your workstation and the breakroom. And make sure, after you do clean everything with your urine, tell everyone in your office. It doesn’t do you any good to save the company money by using your urine to clean everything if no one knows about it.”

Do speed, lots of speed
“Working faster and working longer will make you more efficient and more valuable so do speed. Lots and lots of speed,” said Anderson. “Speed helps you get things done. Speed also keeps you up so use that. I guess it doesn’t have to be speed but use whatever you need to to speed up and stay up. But speed is great. It’s cool. Coke is good too. Yeah, coke or speed.”

Force your spouse and children to work at the same place you do so you don’t have to go home to see them
“If your spouse and your kids all work at the same place as you do, you don’t need to go home, you know?” said McCann. “Get your kids jobs in the mailroom and your spouse a job wherever – just make sure it’s all at the same company you work. Then, if you want to see them you can just go down to the mailroom.”

Amputate all fingers except for index and thumb
“Typos reduce efficiency. You can reduce typos by cutting off the extra fingers that you don’t need,” said Hitchcock. “Typo are made by your extra fingers hitting the wrong keys. So if you just use your thumb and index finger you will be much more precise and efficient with your typing.”

Report coworkers
“This one is a no brainer. If you see your coworkers doing something that isn’t efficient or isn’t in the company’s best interest, report them immediately,” said Anderson. “There is a misconception that ‘no one likes a narc’ but that is not true in business. Managers love narcs. Love narcs. So if you see someone doing something they maybe shouldn’t immediately report that person and then get back to work. Why? Why report that person? Because fuck them, that’s why.”

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