INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Associates of Wilson McMichaels have put the openly gay Chili’s waiter on notice for failure to meet “funny-flaming-gay-man” expectations. The notice, issued late last week, is stated to be a result of McMichaels decidedly “non-gay” appearance and personality.
“We’re really getting to a point where we simply have no idea what to do,” Chili’s Manager Rick Swan said. “(McMichaels) shows up looking like any other waiter out there on the floor. No frillies. No Pink ties. No rainbow buttons. He looks… like just a normal guy. But he’s not. He’s gay and he should dress gay. If he were to walk up to any of the tables in here right now, the people at them would have no idea that he’s gay and it’s not supposed to be like that. Our patrons should know the second they walk in that door that McMichaels is gay. I mean you watch TV and Wilson looks and acts nothing like that fruit on that one… um, what’s it called… shit any of the prime time shows I guess.”
The notice, which has gone unread by McMichaels, details 10 items that will make McMichaels look and act “as a proper gay man should.” Included in the list is: keep up with fashion; dress everyday with a tight t-shirt and at least one piece of pink clothing (rainbow colors also acceptable); own every Barbara Striesand album, DVD and movie; use the words “Jesus,” “seriously,” and “honey” at least twice each in every conversation.
In addition to McMichaels appearance, friends and co-workers are confused by his lack of flamboyance and feminine mannerisms.
“Is it really too much to ask for a gay guy to talk with a lisp? No, I don’t think it is,” said Mark Romero, McMichaels friend for over 10 years. “Seriously, I didn’t even know the guy was a poofter till about 3 years ago. I never saw him to go on a date, like with a girl and shit, but I just thought he was one of them internet porn junkies, you know, one of them freaks that stays on-line all night talking to ‘just turned 18 virgins’ who aren’t getting along with their parents at home. Fuckin’ creepy bastards.”
Though his friends and co-workers are pressuring McMichaels to change his ways, McMichaels doesn’t feel the need.
“I just don’t think I need to be one of those flaming guys that walk around wearing feather boas and shit. That’s just not my style,” McMichaels said. “I just don’t think any of that is necessary. Besides, dressing and acting normal actually helps me get action. You know, when I’m partying with my straight friends, I know exactly how much they need to drink before they pass out.”