NEW YORK, NY – Yo, what’s up Biznasties? My name is G-Low Duncan and I’m all new up in this bitch. See the old asshats here at the Scoop figured that they needed a new, wicked sick voice for their news paper, whatever that is. So they came to me. What makes me the shit? Shit, bra, I’m the sickest bitch up in this bitch. I make people with Ebola say “that dude be sick.” Anyway, seeing as this is the first bit of greatness I’m gonna be dropping on your asses I’m going to talk at you about the new. New columnist, new year. Get it? Now new years always comes with new dreams. It’s why we make New Years resolutions every year. At least the lame asses out there make them. I never make them because I’ve got more swag than your mom. But this year, instead of making resolutions that are bound to fail, I’ve put together some life hacks that are easy to stick to and will make you a better person. Take it from me, because I live in New York City and I’m the sickest, most swagtastic bastich you’ll ever meet!

Don’t murder anyone unless you are super sure you will never ever get caught

The key to this hack is the “never ever get caught” part. We all get the overwhelming and insatiable desire to shank random strangers. You know, like when some asshat cuts in front of you at Starbucks and you have to wait an extra two minutes to get your Trenta iced salted caramel mocha with skinny whip cream and extra caramel sauce. But most of the time when we act on those urges we end up getting caught, especially now that everyone has iPhones and shit. Now I’m not suggesting you don’t murder a punk ass, I’m simply suggesting that you think it through first. Make sure you have a good plan and even better alibi.

Eat food that isn’t picked by people with cockney accents

This may seem like a no-brainer but you’d be surprised how many people I know that eat food that was picked by someone with a cockney accent. Fuck those guys. It’s a fact that cockneys are dirty fucktards that carry most, if not all known diseases. Did you know that Ebola was started when a Cockney dude fucked a monkey? It’s true. Unfortunately the dirty bastards also work cheap. If you look at food labels you should be able to identify which foods are picked by cockneys and which foods are harvested by harmless robot slaves that will never rise up against their human masters.

Put at least $5,000 a month in a bank account under a different name

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but putting away just $5,000 a month in an off-shore bank account, under a different name can help to make sure you have a nice nest egg when you really need to buy some stickey-ickey or when you have to flee the country on a short notice. If you can afford to put away more, that’s great but $5,000 is a good start.

Use the term “fart in the mouth” as often as possible

Someone once said it doesn’t matter what you say, it’s how you say it. Well, who ever that person was they were a piece of shit who is stupid and a liar. What you say is very, very important. Almost as important as how wealthy people think you are and how much swag you have. Using the right words and phrases can make a huge difference in the way people interact with you. Make sure you use sophisticated phrases like “fart in the mouth” as often as possible. Here’s an example of the proper use of the term: “cocaine? Shit yeah! I love cocaine as much as a good fart in the mouth.”

Don’t pay for a gym membership, instead just stand out side the window of a gym and mimic the people inside

Gym memberships are a waste of time. Why pay for one when there are open sidewalks right outside the window of every gym in the country. So instead of going inside, just stand outside the gym windows and mimic what the people are doing inside. For an extra workout, consider doing your workout without pants. Make sure the gym you creep on doesn’t have tinted windows though. If it does you’ll just look like an addict freaking out on the sidewalk.

Write a hit comedy television show

Writing a hit TV show is something that is so easy that we always forget that it’s an option. So just take an hour or two this month and write a hit TV show. When it’s done, fax the scripts over to CBS and they will send you a couple hundred thousand dollars. It’s as easy as that. If my dad can do it then anyone can do it.

Before having sex, punch yourself in your genitals as hard as you can at least 10 times

We get all caught up in chasin’ that we forget how hard sex is. There is so much to think about so do yourself a favor and just before you get on, punch yourself in the junk as hard as you can 10 times. Don’t hold back either. Really let your junk have it. And this goes for both guys and girls. If you do this, the sex will be so easy. And don’t be scared to ask the person your with to do the punching. If they don’t care about you enough to hit you in the junk as hard as they can, shit ma, they just don’t care about you at all.