Grandmother Just Wants One Normal Thanksgiving

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CINCINNATI, OH – Local grandmother has told her family that she just wants a normal Thanksgiving Dinner this year without any “craziness.”

“Before I die, I just want one Thanksgiving that isn’t ruined by someone yelling or someone drinking too much or someone bringing home a black boyfriend,” said grandmother Gertrude Boman. “Just one year, I want Thanksgiving to be a happy time where nothing but good feelings come out. It’s been so long since we’ve had one of those and really, I only have a few Thanksgivings left. So just one more time, it would be nice.”

Boman informed every member of her family via hand-written letter that she wants a peaceful and happy Thanksgiving. She also threatened to remove anyone who “causes a scene” from her will.

“I know I don’t have a lot, but I have more than my children and my grandchildren,” said Boman. “So if they want anything that I have they’d better behave! Not only will I remove them from my will but I will also give them a firm spanking. If my family thinks I’m joking they should just stay at home. I went up to the attic and dusted off my old whips and studded paddles from my more adventurous days.”

According to Boman, the last several Thanksgivings have ended abruptly with several family members crying and leaving early.

“Every Thanksgiving it’s the same thing,” said Boman. “Sara (Bowman’s daughter) starts yelling at her good-for-nothing husband and then he starts drinking more and starts fighting with his brother or one of their kids and then no one is talking to each other and then Dakota (Sara’s daughter) brings home her new boyfriend, who last year was black! Then Sara starts hitting on the boyfriend and Dakota gets mad and starts yelling and then Mike (Sara’s husband) starts threatening to beat up the new boyfriend. It’s the same thing ever year. It’s like they plan it.”

Boman’s family has had mixed reactions to the request for a normal Thanksgiving. Some claim that Boman herself should not be exempt from the blame for events that have happened during recent Thanksgiving dinners.

“All of the trouble is usually (Boman’s) fault,” said Dakota Flemming. “I mean last year when I brought my boyfriend Malik, she treated him like shit and made things so uncomfortable. I mean she actually asked him if he wanted his turkey fried with a slice of watermelon. I mean, what kind of shit is that? And with her, it’s the same thing every year. She starts picking on my mom, who has no one to turn to except for my dad and he just wants to watch the Cowboy’s game.”

Despite the statements from her family, Boman doesn’t believe that she has done anything wrong.

“That whole thing with (Dakota’s) (expletive deleted) boyfriend was blown way out of proportion,” Boman said. “I simply asked him if he wanted his turkey fried because I’ve heard that the turkey is really good fried. And I asked him if he wanted watermelon because he’s black. It’s my understanding that black people can’t turn down watermelon so I didn’t want to offend him by not offering it.”

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