MONTPELIER, VT – At a news conference late last week, Alex Rodriguez, all-star shortstop and future hall of famer who recently signed a lucrative $252 million contract with the Texas Rangers, has agreed to purchase the state of Vermont for approximately $75 million in cash and 11 autographed baseballs.
Rodriguez’s purchase of Vermont from the state’s legislature marks the largest land deal since the Louisiana Purchase.
“I knew that I really needed to have some room to myself, and Vermont isn’t really a ‘state’ like California or Texas, so I thought, what the heck” said a charismatic Rodriguez. “Besides, I got more money than I know what to do with. There is no way that I will ever be able to spend that much money. I was surprised the Rangers signed me, ‘cause it started off as just a big joke between me and my agent. The crazy bastards bought it…and me I guess.”
The purchase, which was completed on Christmas Eve, was met with anger and disdain from many local residents.
“That’s nuts!” said Marty York, a long time resident. “There is no way I am living in a state owned by a damned Texas Ranger! They couldn’t even hold on to the damn Alamo, how’s he supposed to hold on to a state? He’s not even gunna play baseball here. No one plays baseball here. This isn’t some flashy state like New Hampshire. This is Vermont, where simple people live simple lives. But we’re not retarded, just simple like easy going.”
While most of the residents of Vermont, or as it will soon be known, Not Seattlemont, are perplexed by the sale, some residents see it as a positive step for the small state.
“He’s cute and my gawd, have you seen his butt?” said 14 year old Patricia Felson, a junior high school student in Burlington. “I only saw him in the paper a few weeks ago, and now I like him better than Justin from N’SYNC. I have his pictures up all over my room. I even have one above my bed so he’s the first thing I see in the morning…besides my dad.”
When asked what he planned on doing with his new state, Rodriguez was somewhat coy.
“You know, I’m not really sure yet. I mean, I want my privacy so I will probably put up a fence around the border, and who knows, maybe I’ll put in a pool, somewhere around Rutland.”
In his closing statement, Rodriguez addressed the 608,827 current residents of Not Seattlemont saying “You don’t need to look for anywhere else to live just yet…but keep your options open.”