COLUMBUS, OH – Faced with a budget shortfall and a refusal to raise taxes, the Ohio State Government voted to sell the state to Google for $4 billion.
With the shortfall estimated at more than three billion, the Ohio State Government was faced with limited options to reduce the deficit.
“We thought about everything, except raising taxes,” said president of the Ohio Senate, Tom Niehaus. “Everyone, except for those Spend-o-crats, knows that raising taxes hurts the economy. Unless you raise the taxes of poor people. We didn’t want to do that because our poor people are really, really poor so it wouldn’t have done any good. We did try to come up with a different solution, but in the end, nothing seemed to be a real possibility. One of the leading ideas we had was to make a ‘sexy legislature’ calendar, but in the end, we figured that we’d only make about a billion and a half on that. That was kind of a bummer, because I was really looking forward to that. I had my outfit picked out already. I won’t say what it is if this comes up again, but I will give you a hint: ass-less chaps.”
The deal to sell Ohio to Google will include all land, all public buildings, all state parks, and all other commodities controlled or owned by the state, including the state employees.
“The police, the politicians, the mayors, the teachers… they all work for Google now,” said Ohio Governor, John Kasich. “While some people may find this a little weird, it’s really a good situation for everyone involved. Google has a shit-ton of money, pardon my French. Our city workers are going to get paid very well, a lot better than any other state, I can tell you that. And Google’s benefits are out of control! My kids are all going to get braces and my wife is going to get those new tits that I’ve always wanted, and it ain’t going to cost me shit! Pardon my French.”
Google representatives said they have been looking for a location where the company can house its entire organization.
“Let’s be frank, shall we?” said Ming Wen, Google CFO. “We are a big company. And when I say ‘big’ I mean fucking huge. We are so big that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to wrap our arms around everything. So bringing all of Google into a single area makes sense. The only problem was finding a place big enough. Ohio is just big enough. But we are starting to talk to Michigan about possible expansion.”
Google has already begun making changes to the state; with the most significant change being a petition to the United States Government to change the official state name from ‘Ohio’ to ‘Ohio, Brought to You by Google.’
“The name change is just the first exciting thing to come to our state,” said Google Public Relations director Wendy Mendell. “I hate to spoil all the surprises for the citizens of Ohio, but I will say this: there will be free soda in Google owned buildings. Isn’t that great? And we’ll put ping-pong tables in a couple of the buildings. Also, we are looking into giving everyone in Ohio a Gmail account. I know they are free right now but we want everyone in Ohio to be on board with Google before the invasio… I mean before all our world wide employees move here. Oh, and we are sending everyone in Ohio to a special Google Education Camp next month. That will be exciting!”
With the expected mass migration of Google employees to Ohio, some existing residents fear they will be forced to move.
“They best not make me move or I might get upset!” said Ohio resident Freddy Eager. “My families done been here for generations. With all them Google folks movin’ in where am I gonna live? Where’s me and my kin gonna live? I guess I’ll find out at Google Camp next month.”
Regardless of any negative feedback it’s received from the residents of the state, the Ohio State Government is happy with the new deal.
“I’m as excited as a badger with a wooden spoon. Pardon my French. But there are some really exciting things that will be coming to our state soon. One thing I will tell you is: balloons. I wont tell you what we’re going to be doing with the balloons, but it’ll be nothing short of fantastic. Pardon my French.”
Google representatives did not address whether or not the company plans to layoff any employees but the company did release a statement saying most, if not all, state services will be maintained.
“Will we be laying people off?” said Wen. “Maybe. Or maybe we will move people around to find a better fit for them. It’s hard to say how things will work out. We’ll know for sure after we see how successful our Google Education Camp is next month.”