ARLINGTON, VA – A local man has admitted that he is responsible for a string of recent natural disasters on the East Coast including last month’s earthquake and hurricane.
Shawn “Tibby” Clarke says that several natural disasters have occurred almost immediately after his failure to keep promises he made to God.
“Yeah man, I’m sho dat earthquake ‘n hurricane bullshit that all went down last month was my fault,” said Clarke. “See, like, I told God that if he did some stuff fo me – like makin’ it so I didn’t didn’t miss that last free-throw at the end of the city finals – that I’d do stuff. You know what I mean?”
During the Arlington recreation basketball league Clarke made a promise to God that if Clarke made his final free-throw of the game Clarke would go to church every Sunday from then on. Clarke made the basket but did not keep his promise.
“Yeah man. I was all ‘bout goin’ down to the church and all dat, you know but… my man Scant (Theodore Reggin) got hisself a X-Box ‘n we got all down in dat nasty fo about a week straight,” said Clarke. “We was playin’ ‘Halo’ ‘n shit from sunup to sundown! Shit was crazy, man. I was shootin’ those little bitch thangs all like gaaagaaagaaagaaa gaagaaagaaaa gaaagaaaa and they was explodin’ all over the place. But you know, after I missed church on dat next Sunday they be dat earthquake. I knew God was pissed at me so I apologized and said I’d keep the rest of my promises. I was gonna but, you know how life is man!”
Last month the Eastern Coast of the United States experienced an earthquake followed shortly by hurricane Irene both of which occurred after Clarke failed to keep a promise he made to God.
Two days before the hurricane Clarke promised that if God gave his girlfriend her period he would stop smoking.
“Man. Dat was close!” said Clarke. “I was over at Numbers’ (Kelvin Ng) house ‘n my girl text me sayin’ she think she pregnant. I flipped it! I was sweatin’ ‘n shakin’, hopin’ she just playin’ but she was fo serious. I got right down on my knees ‘n told God that if he gave my girl her period that I’d quit smoking and play it straight. A couple days later I gots the text that my girl was havin’ her period so I celebrated by going to the clubs ‘n smokin’ ‘n drinkin’. The next day – bam! Hurricane.”
While admitting that he is extremely disappointed in Clarke, God says that the actual cause for the East Coat natural disasters are not connected to Clarke.
“Am I happy with the way that (Clarke) is acting? No. But do I care enough about him to cause an earthquake and hurricane? Hell no!” said God. “Truth is, I don’t really listen to people anymore. All they want is selfish crap so I just tune everyone out. And contrary to crazy religious whack jobs, I don’t cause earthquakes because gay people are getting married. That’s ridiculous. I don’t cause earthquakes. Movement and tension build up of the Earth’s crust causes earthquakes. I don’t create Hurricanes either. Those are caused by the rotation of the Earth, water vapor, hear and condensation. I don’t know the specifics because I’m not a scientist, but just know that I don’t make those. What kind of God would I be if I just got pissed off at humanity for little things and decided to wipe out entire populations with natural disasters? I’d be a total dick, that’s who I’d be. And for the record I’m totally pro-gay marriage. And pro-choice.”
Regardless of God’s comments on the matter, Clarke is confident that the natural disasters are entirely Clarke’s fault.
Clarke says that he will try harder to keep promises made to God to avert any future disasters.
“I know what (God) say but I know he mad,” said Clarke “I’ll just try real hard next time or maybe I just won’t promise to do hard stuff. Maybe I’ll just say I’ll stop watching hockey or somethin’ dumbass like dat.”