Mexican Restaurant Near Alamo Causes Outrage

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Texans are protesting plans for a new Mexican food restaurant near the Alamo.
Texans are protesting plans for a new Mexican food restaurant near the Alamo.

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Over the past weekend, thousands rallied in San Antonio to protest plans to open a new Mexican restaurant within blocks of the Alamo.

The protests began after Rubio’s Fresh Mexican Grill submitted plans to the city of San Antonio for a new location close to the Alamo.

In 1836 the Alamo was the site of a bloody battle during the Texas Revolution in which over 250 Texans were killed. Since then the Battle of the Alamo, the former mission has come to represent Texas pride.

“It’s god damned insensitive to put a god damned Mexican food place here where those god damned Mexicans killed 20,000 of my Texan brethren,” said protester Wayne Miller. “Do you realize how big a god damned travesty that is? Those godless Mexicans want to come in here and rub our faces in the fact that they murdered a bunch of Texans. They want us to see their victory every god damned day. It’s sick. Makes me want to puke. You know what? If they do end up building the god damned place, I’m going to come here one night and burn the god damned place down. What do you think of that, you god damned Mexicans? Where will you eat then? Praise Jesus.”

A spokesman for Rubio’s Fresh Mexican Grill has said the company will proceed with plans to build despite the protests and threats.

“This is all just a big misunderstanding,” said Hal Benjamin, Public Relations Director for Rubio’s Fresh Mexican Grill. “First and foremost our food barely constitutes ‘Mexican food.’ Have you tasted our food? It’s about as Mexican as I am and I was born in Wisconsin. Because our locations are in predominately white areas of town, We’ve had to ‘white’ up our food so much, that it really can only be considered ‘Mexican’ because of the tortillas. If we took those away, it might as well be bbq. So for anyone to protest one of our restaurants is just ludicrous. We are a true American loving company staffed with Americans.”

While many of the protestors say that the owners of Rubio’s Fresh Mexican Grill have a right to build the restaurant near the Alamo, they claim the decision is a matter of respect for those who lost their lives in the battle over 170 years ago.

“Do you know how many of my Texas brothers died here at the hands of Mexicans? Over four million,” said R. J. Grant. “And now those same Mexicans want to come over here and put a restaurant right were I can see it? What do you think all the ghosts of the dead Texans would say about that? You know what I say? I say over my dead body! What if all 18 billion of the poor, courageous souls that died here were to get up and see some damned Mexicans selling tacos right across the street? What would Davy Crockett say? I can assure you that he would not walk over there and order a Carnitas Raja Meal with a side of guacamole. No sir, he would not.”

The controversy began last week when a post on a Conservative website called preserveamericaswhiteness.com posted a story about plans to build a new Mexican restaurant within blocks of The Alamo.

“This is what (Mexicans) do! After they destroy American lives they set up a restaurant to flaunt their victory,” said preserveamericaswhiteness.com founder Karen Cooke. “It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. Mexicans never forget and now they’ve come back 100 years later and are going to open a Mexican restaurant at the site of their greatest only victory and now they will have a place where they will stage another attack from. I’ve seen it before! 9-11! No, this whole thing must be stopped. What’s next, a Navajo taco stand on Little Bighorn?”

Leaders of the Hispanic community within the area say they are confused by the sudden resistance to the opening of a new Mexican restaurant as there are currently 120 Mexican restaurants within a five mile radius of The Alamo.

“I don’t understand it, but then again, I’ve never really understood people from Texas,” said San Antonio resident Hector Marin. “You can literally stand on the step of the Alamo, throw a rock in any direction and hit a Mexican restaurant. That’s what doesn’t make sense. I’m not saying these people are stupid but that’s what I’m saying. I think I’m going to move back to Delaware, where people aren’t nearly as stupid.”

If construction progresses as planned, the Rubio’s Fresh Mexican Grill near the Alamo will be open in December.

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