FLAGSTAFF, AZ – While the Portland Marathon isn’t until next month, local runner, Jassie Hill won’t stop talking about her preparation and training. As a result, Hill’s friends and family have started to avoid her and refuse her phone calls.
“Look, I love Jassie but she should really shut the fuck up about running,” said Hill’s fiancé Richard Lui. “Every morning, before she goes running, she makes this huge production about getting up, getting ready and then waking me up to let me know that she is going running. Like I didn’t already know! Then when she gets back from running, she just sits there for a couple hours bitching about running. Honestly, if she keeps this shit up after that god damned marathon I’m going to have sex with (Hill’s) best friend to teach (Hill) a lesson.”
According to family members, Hill spent the entirety of a barbeque last weekend telling anyone willing to listen about how hard running is and how running has made her a better person.
“She honestly thinks that we give a shit,” said Hill’s brother Jared Hill. “We get it, you run. There are other things that are infinitely more interesting than the fact that you went running today. And yesterday. And the day before. I love her and all, but it’s just at the point that I wish she had a different addiction. Like Meth. People keep that shit to themselves. No one talks about how they woke up this morning and smoked a shit ton of Meth then went all crazy for a few hours. No. That’s a private moment.”
Instead of expressing their feelings to Hill, most of her friends and family have opted to simply ignore her.
“It may be passive aggressive but you know what? Fuck her,” said Hill’s step-mother, Laura Reardon. “I don’t listen to her at all anymore. For a while I was worried that I might actually miss something important, but then I realized that she doesn’t say anything important. All it is is running. That’s it. I seriously wonder what’s going to happen as soon as the race is over. She may not be able to handle it. She may just have to kill herself because she’ll have nothing else to talk about. Unless she get’s addicted to Meth. But really, that’s something people don’t really tell other people about. Meth is private.”
Hill’s daily training regimen requires her to run at least 10 miles Monday through Thursday and 20 miles on Saturday.
“You know, I’ve really been thinking about extending my running to Sunday too,” Hill said. “Because when I’m out there running, and I’m just running, it’s so freeing. It’s like I’m just running out there in the world and the world is running with me. Nothing else matters except that I’m running. Then when I get done running, the stiffness and soreness set in and the only thing that can cure that is more running. So then I want to go running again. But I really can’t go running again because I have to go to work. All day at work I think about going running, but there is just so much to do. I’ve thought about bringing in a treadmill and running while I’m working but I haven’t been able to work out all the logistics of that. And running is just so good for you. You know, all the ancient civilizations viewed runners in the highest regard because they were the most fit. So I’m really just continuing the example set by my distant relatives. Running keeps me close to my ancestors like that. When I run, sometimes I feel like I can hear them in my head. Also running is a great way to… where are you going? Is the interview over?”