GROVESTOWN, MI – Sometimes, things don’t go smoothly. Last week when Mike Edwards entered his bathroom, as he does most every day, to have a routine bowel movement, little did he know that the experience would change his life forever. The experience left the man, who had just turned 38 the day before, shaken and scared, but also in complete awe.
“Good God, that was something fierce. I mean I didn’t even see it coming,” Edwards said. “I was just sitting there, minding my own business when BAM! The shit just flew out of me. It was the single most painful moment of my life, but at the same time, if left me wholly satisfied. And proud.”
The excrement, which witnesses said was roughly the size of an over-ripe grapefruit, was taken to the University of Michigan to be studied and put on display.
“Oh man, that was somethin’ else. I mean it’s not every day that you see a piece of your own shit that’s purple. At least I don’t… or didn’t until last week,” Edwards said. “And I thought that I had seen the whole spectrum of colors in my life time, everything from greenish blue to red. Well the red… um… that actually was a little different of a situation… and I don’t really want to go into it right now.”
The significance of the movement has yet to be determined, but the researchers who have been studying it at UM, are very excited.
“I haven’t seen a specimen this… beautiful in years. The last one even close had to be the McConlin sample from 83. McConlin had a wonderful pooh, but don’t get me wrong but it is like comparing Rembrandt with my seven-year-old-boy,” said Harrison Keebes, a professor of Biology at UM. “The definition is spectacular and the texture is like none that I have seen before. This one is special. This one, is perfect. Absolutely flawless.”
The researchers at UM have been studying stool samples under federal grant for over 30 years and the Edwards sample is the largest in diameter and density of any recorded in that time. Researchers hope to continue to gather data and provide valuable information on the effects of Global warming and fecal matter.
“Not only does it break all kinds of records but the real amazing thing here is the density. X-rays can’t penetrate this. It is cool as shit… no pun intended. We thought we had a pretty open and shut case when it comes to excrement and global warming but this latest evidence may send us right back to square one. This really is a glorious discovery. Edwards may go down in history as the man who changed Fecalology forever,” Keebes said.
With the scientific world reeling, Edwards is trying to keep a level head about the whole mess.
“Ya know, it’s really not that special, I mean it may have made me the man of the hour but I know this will all die down soon and soon someone will come along with a bigger, better piece of shit than the one I had. But it does make you wonder. You’d think that a person would remember eating that much corn, right? Oh well, it’s not that important. I’m just glad I could help those doctors out. You ever wonder just what the hell those guys are actually doing with it?” Edwards said.