WASHINGTON, DC – The Bush administration is celebrating a major milestone this month with its 1,000th scandal and to celebrate, some of Bush’s advisers are planning a special surprise for the American public.
The 1,000th scandal occurred last month when it was revealed that several of Bush’s advisers and the Attorney General of the Unites States may have been involved in the firing of several U.S. attorneys.
“To celebrate this monumental event, we’ve got something so fucked up brewing that no one, I mean no one, will believe it,” said White House spokesman Tony Snow. “I don’t want to spill any secrets here – that’s a joke. Get it? Anyways, seriously, I don’t want to spoil any surprises but we are going to take several different types of scandals and roll it all up into one ginormous, ass-kickin’ scandal that will secure President Bush’s legacy in the history books.”
The Bush Presidency has been marred by scandal since Al Gore conceded defeat in the 2000 Presidential Election.
“At first, we thought the Democrats were just looking for trouble… and finding it, but after like the 30th scandal, we kinda just went for it you know?” said Bush Adviser Karl Rove. “We began thinking ‘what can we do to top this.’ And let me tell you, finding something to top Cheney shooting that guy in the face was tough. But luckily Scooter Libby stepped up to the plate.”
According to rumors around the White House, Bush is not only looking to top his own scandals but other famous scandals from former Presidents.
“If you think Clinton finger banging a fat chick was rough, wait till you see what Bush has planned,” said White House Chef Gordon LaFlure. “Let’s just say I’ve seen a lot of leather and sheep around this place recently. Seriously, the shit that going to go down, it gives me goose bumps. Hey, a goose, that’s a good idea. I’ll have to tell it to Georgie.”
Speculation is running rampant as pundits, from both sides anticipate Bush’s next move.
“The thing about this whole situation is that we simply cannot speculate on what they are planning,” said talk show host Keith Olberman. “This administration has done so much vile, nasty stuff, that you can’t predict what they will do next. I suppose if (Bush) were to go on national TV, shit on Dick Cheney’s head and make his whole cabinet take a big, heaping spoonful, that would be pretty spectacular. I mean no one would see that coming. Except for me, since I just said it.”
Insiders say that the big plan has already been set in motion and that the culmination of the efforts will be apparent by the first week of May.
“Oh, it’s going to be a slow build, but once this puppy hits, it is going to knock your socks off,” Rove said. “I mean people will be sitting there thinking ‘holy shit, that was part of it? I thought he was just a sick pedophile, but, wow.’ Oh shit, I’ve probably said too much. Oh well, at least I didn’t give out his name. Just consider that a tasty morsel to chew on for a bit.”