WACO, TX – A research group at Baylor University has discovered a life force that keeps human beings alive despite the lack of any value the person may contribute to society. This “Suck Force,” as the team refers to it, might be responsible for the continuing lives of such famously worthless humans as comedian Larry The Cable Guy, former singer Paula Abdul and Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer.
According to a spokesman for the research team, the Suck Force allows a small percentage of the human race the ability to subsist on draining energy and intelligence from others, sometimes as far away as 100 miles.
“We first recognized this energy transfer when Paris Hilton came into the public eye, and no, I don’t mean that literally,” said head researcher Brian McDermot. “Scientifically, there is no other reason that (Hilton) should be alive so we knew that there had to be something that was going on… besides there being no God. Seriously, if there was a God, do you really think that Paris Hilton would still be alive? Hell no. That whore would have chocked to death on the 500 gallons of semen that she has more than likely swallowed in her time.”
When a person who lives off the Suck Force comes into contact with another human there is an energy transfer that takes place as the Sucker (the term applied to those living off Suck Force energy) and the Sucked (those who do not live off Suck Force). As the Sucker becomes stronger, the Sucked becomes weaker and much less intelligent. However, although intelligence is lost in transfer, no intelligence is gained by the Sucker.
“The intelligence loss in the Suck Force phenomena may be just a side effect to the act of sucking,” said Katy Callawer, Anatomy and Physiology Professor at Baylor University and advisor to the research team. “The Suckers don’t ever get any more intelligent while the Sucked continue to lose more and more of their intellectual capabilities. Oddly enough, the ability to problem solve is the first to go. We have an account of one Sucked individual that could not get out of his car after spending a weekend in the house next door to Carrot Top. But of course it’s not just celebrities. Every family has at least one Sucker in it. The key is simply limit exposure to those people… or kill them.”
The research group theorizes that almost ten percent of the human race remains alive because of the Suck Force.
“After we took a close look at Miss Hilton, we started seeing a pattern in people that have no redeeming qualities; people that are despised by a majority of the population but yet still seem to live. It took several years, but we were finally able to design a machine that could accurately rate a person’s Suck Force. To be honest with you we were surprised by the results when we first used it.”
The machine, which works much like a giger-counter, amplifies the negative vibrations that individuals give off. These vibrations are converted into a reading that gives the researchers the numeric value of ones Suck Force.
“We will soon be releasing a smaller version of the Suck Force register. This will help people stay away from Suckers and hopefully in the long run raise America’s median IQ up over 90,” said Callawer. “But in the meantime, if you suspect you have come in contact with a Sucker or know a sucker, the best thing to do is get far away from them… or set them on fire. The later is probably best for yourself and humanity. Even if the Sucker is a loved one… you just have to set them on fire. It’s the only way to be sure.”
The personal Suck Force machine is not scheduled to be released for sale until 2008.