GNOME, AK – Shocking and disturbing news came out of the North Pole this week as a witness stepped forward and exposed the described “hell hole” that is Santa’s Workshop.

For years, reports and eyewitness accounts have been leaked about the dire and appalling conditions of the toy manufacturing plant located on at the North Pole. Up till now these accusations were always pushed to the side. It seemed no one could, or wanted to believe that Santa Claus was an unfair employer or even worse, down right cruel. With this new information, however, the public has no choice but to cast a suspicious eye northward.

After several months of personal and ethical debate, an insider in Santa’s Workshop has come forward, but only with the promise that his name will be withheld and he will be “taken care of” financially in the wake of the story.

The witness, asking to be identified only as “Mr. Big-Huge-Throbbing -Cock-That Comes-Like-The-Thunder-And-Spews-Forth-The-Frothy-Love-Juice-Contained-Within-Its-Expansive-Gerth,” revealed the horrors and the secrets behind the demeaning environment that was his home for the past 5 years, the place he compares to “Disneyland, when it was run by Walt himself.”

Perhaps the most disturbing image that “Mr. Big-Huge-Throbbing -Cock-That Comes-Like-The-Thunder-And-Spews-Forth-The-Frothy-Love-Juice-Contained-Within-Its-Expansive-Gerth” paints is the ritual and constant abuse that most of the worker’s were subjected to, by none other than the jolly fat man, Claus or “The Fuhr” as Santa likes to be called.

“Oh fuck man, it was terrible. Every day it was ‘make that damn toy, ‘fore I whip yo lazy ass.’ Then he would whip us anyway. And it wasn’t no nice little leather whip. This was a full on Dominatrix style horse whip with metal studs and shit,” Mr. Big-Huge-Throbbing -Cock-That Comes-Like-The-Thunder-And-Spews-Forth-The-Frothy-Love-Juice-Contained-Within-Its-Expansive-Gerth” confessed. “He would make (the other ‘elves,’ who were really nothing but midgets bought off the black market) do things that were so degrading. Like, we would have to take care of the reindeers ‘needs,’ and that sick sonofafuck filmed the whole thing. I even heard stories that he was making a fortune on the internet with midget porn but no one ever wanted to talk about that. Man, there are some sick fucks out there in the world. And do you think that Mrs. Claus ever touched that fat tub of horse shit? Hell no! They both had their own special ‘elves.’ Whenever that fat prick would get frisky, one of us would get it where it isn’t natural. You know what I mean? Right up through ol’ the poop shoot. I know of prisons that are more caring and gentle.”

Among the other accusations that “Mr. Big-Huge-Throbbing -Cock-That Comes-Like-The-Thunder-And-Spews-Forth-The-Frothy-Love-Juice-Contained-Within-Its-Expansive-Gerth” has made, comes a horrific image of the “real”“ Santa.

“What, you think that gut is real? This is the one thing that I still can’t think about without feeling queasy. Man, that ‘gut’ is nothing more than his right nut, infected with Elephantitus. He has to loop it up under his belt so he doesn’t knee himself with every step he takes. That’s why the missus won’t have anything to do with the ass fucker. I mean that’s some sick shit!” “Mr. Big-Huge-Throbbing -Cock-That Comes-Like-The-Thunder-And-Spews-Forth-The-Frothy-Love-Juice-Contained-Within-Its-Expansive-Gerth” said.

Even though “Mr. Big-Huge-Throbbing -Cock-That Comes-Like-The-Thunder-And-Spews-Forth-The-Frothy-Love-Juice-Contained-Within-Its-Expansive-Gerth” is still bitter about his experiences in the North, he does not plan any legal action against the man who almost ruined his life and forced him into therapy.

“He’s got so many other problems right now, that I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole operation falls apart after this season,” “Mr. Big-Huge-Throbbing -Cock-That Comes-Like-The-Thunder-And-Spews-Forth-The-Frothy-Love-Juice-Contained-Within-Its-Expansive-Gerth” said. “I mean with the nut, his wife being the whore that she is, and Rudolph suffering from liver failure, on account of all the drinking and never ending cocaine binge. Yeah that’s why his nose is red, he’s a frickin’ lush. I have never seen any body get that fucking crazy on shit since I hung out one night with Drew Barrymore, 15 years ago.”