GENEVA, SWITZERLAND- The World Health Organization announced Friday that the SARS virus is now the most contagious disease in recorded history. At the time the announcement was made, Cooties was classified as the most contagious followed closely by Pac-Man Fever.
The SARS epidemic has claimed several hundred lives around the world in the last three months. Conversely, Pac-Man Fever resulted in 150 cases of people getting funky and the munchies over the same period of time. Cooties has infected close to 20 million Americans. Although Cooties has yet to result in any fatalities it remains incurable.
“(SARS) is extremely troubling,” said WHO Director General Gro Harlem Brundtland. “When Pac-Man Fever hit we all had an idea of how to contain it and we were able to localize the outbreaks to Discos and Videogame Arcades. With Cooties, 98% of the population has it in some form or another. But this SARS… this is everywhere with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Really the only thing we know about it is that it seems to hate Asians and Canadians. But then again, that just makes it like everyone else. No, kidding, but seriously…”
The disease, said to be similar to the Rockin’ Pneumonia, attacks the respiratory system and can eventually cause death if not detected early. Over 6000 people have contracted the disease worldwide and SARS has been reported to have caused 372 deaths.
“This is just a terrible, nasty disease. These poor people are shitting everywhere, vomiting everywhere, it’s like they’re a bunch of babies,” Brundtland said. “When I say babies, I don’t mean that literally. It’s like their fully-grown human beings, but they are doing all the things that babies do. It’s a simile. No, wait, a metaphor. See, it’s a metaphor because I didn’t use the word ‘like’ or ‘as.’ Or did I? Well, what ever it is doesn’t matter. What matters is that pooping and vomiting at the same time is gross. WHO recommends that if you or a loved one come down with SARS that you immediately kill yourself by setting your self on fire. Fire is the only thing that will kill SARS. Well, Fire and cough syrup, but cough syrup doesn’t exactly grow on trees.”
Due to the seriousness of the SARS outbreak, China is restricting access to and from the country in an effort to contain the disease. The toy and American Flag industries are projected to loose millions as imports from China will be reduced sharply.
Currently there is no cure for SARS but scientists remain hopeful.
“We are trying everything. We’ve tried using cocaine, heroin, crystal meth and even pot to help fight SARS but to no avail. Next we’ll try sex, both hetero and homo, but nothing looks good. Rest assured, we will not stop trying different drugs and sexual positions until we have a cure… or until we get bored… like we did with AIDS,” said Brundtland.