WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a war in Iraq on the horizon and his approval ratings sinking, President George W. Bush addressed the nation in hopes of gaining more support. During the speech Bush made several promises and pledges to the American public.
“We have come a long way since my election but we still can do so much more,” Bush said. “I promised a tax refund and you got it. I promised a war on terrorism and an end to the Taliban. You’ve almost got that too. And now I promise you what you all want, soda pop in the nations drinking fountains and better food in our cafeterias.”
These new pledges to the people come from a growing list of concerns in the 10-15 year old American population, a key demographic that so far the Bush administration has neglected.
“Bush going after the younger American populous is a good idea,” said political analyst Ben Right. “For generations this group has been overlooked and flat out ignored by politicians. They think it is a waste of their time but ask Eminem what he thinks of those kids. He isn’t the hottest thing around because 45-year-old white guys are buying his records. To get the kids on your side is to get America on your side. If a complete moron like Eminem can do it then Bush might stand a chance.”
Bush’s agenda was taken straight from 13-year-old Jimmy Walters’ Garfield Junior High Student Council election speech. Walters won the election handedly with exit polls showing strong support for his soda-pop drinking fountains and better cafeteria food platform.
“I listened to what the students had to say and these two things kept coming up over and over again. Of course there were other concerns but I don’t think I am in any position to legalize pot as the Student Council President. But I do pledge to look into it,” said Walters. “I like the idea that President Bush looked to my ideas for the fate of the nation. The only thing I worry about is what he plans to do in Utah. It’s full of Mormons and they’re not supposed to drink caffeine. And after a while, Sprite and 7-Up suck, like this girl who sits behind me in English. Her name is Britney Brady.”
The general consensus of the population is in favor of the changes, but many feel that the commitment is more than Bush can deliver.
“Think about this. There are Coke drinkers and there are Pepsi drinkers,” said Arizona resident Brad Savage. “Coke drinkers hate Pepsi and the Pepsi folks hate Coke. It’s a struggle that has gone on longer than time itself. How exactly is Bush planning to cater to everyone? Is he gonna have a Coke fountain right next to a Pepsi One? What about the sick fucks that like Dr. Pepper? I sure as hell don’t want to go to a fountain expecting a mouthful of nice, refreshing Coke and getting a taste of the liquefied shit that is Dr. Pepper.”