AUSTIN, TX – In a daring move that shows his wild and independent nature, Gordon Vassen, 22, has applied two stickers featuring ‘big tittied naked devil chicks’ to the rear window of his 1997 Ford Explorer.
“Man, those chick are just so fuckin’ hot,” Vassen said. “Dude, if I were a devil, or a cartoon, or if those chicks were real, I would totally do them. Both of um, at the same time. I’d be all like ‘yeah, you like that dontchya. Yeah, that’s what I thought.’ Then I’d smack ‘em on their fine asses and ride ‘em all night long. Man that would be hot!”
The stickers, sold at many “alternative” goods stores have become popular with males with a desire to show their independence.
“We probably sell more of those stickers than we do of Calvin peeing on things,” said Steve Heckler, manager of Hot Topic, the store where Vassen purchased his stickers. “I know it may not seem like it, what with all the peeing Calvins out there, but big tittied devil chicks are a pretty hot item. You know, I bet you don’t see too many of them around ‘cus that’s something you might wanna keep safe, like next to your bed. Someplace you can look at it every night, all night, until nothing else in the world matters. It’s only you and the big tittied naked devil chick, and she’s looking right into your eyes. It’s like she’s saying ‘come on Steve, I can make you feel soooo gooood.’ But then in the morning your fucking parent barge in and demand to know what the hell you are doing. Man, I swear, my parents just need to back off.”
Vassens parents are pleased by the addition of the stickers suggesting that Vassen has needed to become more independent for some time.
“Well, he still lives at home. And he is 22. Most 22 year olds have gone to college or at least moved out of their parent’s house. We just hope that these stickers are the start of a lot more independence on his part. Like, oh I don’t know, maybe move out, stop sponging off his parents and maybe, just maybe he will talk to a girl,” said Vassens mother Edith Vassen.
While his friends and relatives feel that the stickers are a step in the positive direction, some feel that the stickers degrade women.
“Those stickers make me want to throw up every time I see one,” said Annie Waits, local student and self proclaimed feminist. “I mean, look at those breasts! They are obviously fake. Girls get that kind of shit thrown in their faces all the time. ‘Get bigger boobs. Get naked. Dress up like a devil and hump tires.’ It sets up an image that real girls cant live up to. Seriously, there isn’t a guy out there that would fuck me over one of those devil girls, and that sucks. I haven’t gotten laid in seven years. Seven years! I really need to get laid. Really.”
Vassen himself isn’t looking to make any more independent moves but has expressed a desire to find a job.
“I don’t know, after I got those stickers I just kinda wanted more. Like one of those shirts with the Chinese writing on it. Those fuckin’ kick ass all over the place. But I need money to do that so I was thinking about cruisin’ down to Jiffy Lube and seein’ if they can hook me up with a job. I know a guy down there and he says it’s easy as hell and the pay is pretty good. But we’ll see,” Vassen said.