Tourists Disappointed By Native American Casino

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PHOENIX, AZ – While driving to Phoenix from The Grand Canyon, Mississippi residents Harold Studamaker and his wife Jean stopped at the Native American owned Cliff Castle Casino for some fun and gambling, but left with only disappointment and confusion.

“Well we didn’t see anything that looked anything like what we’ve seen on the TV about what Indians do and look like,” said Harold Studamaker. “Not a single person in there had a headdress on and no one was smokin’ one of those peace pipes. It looked like… well I’m not sure what the hell it looked like, but it sure as hell didn’t look like no Indian casino, that’s for sure. I mean if the damn thing is an Indian Casino there better be some Indians in the place. There were people who looked like they might be Indians but there were dressed like you and me. There wasn’t anybody in loincloths and war paint. That tells me that they ain’t Indian. Maybe there were those… um, whatsacalled… Haitians.”

The Studamakers stayed in the casino for two hours playing slot machines and during that time they reported seeing no evidence of the Native American culture.

“Teepees? Nope. Moccasins? No. Guys on horses with sticks? Not a one. There weren’t even any cowboys in the place. This is the West right? Well, one thing is for sure, I now am 100% sure that Indians never existed. I think it’s just a big conspiracy by the Belgians to take over America. Think about it. They tried to get us with their waffles, but we didn’t cave in. Now they’re saying their ‘Indians,’ getting our land, and soon, they will kill us all,” said Harold Studamaker.

Cliff Castle Casino’s management was unsurprised by the Studmaker’s comments.

“At least a couple times a year some ignorant white man comes in here looking for Pocahontas and Crazy Horse. They expect us Native Americans to have stayed in the 1800s. Well, the joke’s on him, we have his money.” said Joseph Whitehorse, manager of Cliff Castle Casino.

The Studamakers also complained about the amount of money they lost without winning a single penny. In total, the couple spent 2,402.75 in the two hours at the casino.

“Those people can complain all they want about losing money,” Whitehorse said. “This is a casino, not a free money store. Most people that come in here loose money. Besides, it makes us (Native Americans) all pretty happy that the white man is willing to give us so much money. All we do is put up a building, put a couple slot machines in and white people give us money. If we would have known that back in 1790, things would have been a lot different.”

Whitehorse went on to say that with all the money Native Americans make from casinos, they plan to lobby congress to have the entire state of California converted into a reservation to be split among the different tribes. They are also looking into possibilities of nullifying the purchase of Manhattan returning the island back to Native American hands.

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