Trump Plans to Stay Up All Night to Confront Santa

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced that he is planning on staying awake on Christmas Eve in order to confront Santa Claus.

“I am going to stay up, I’m very good at staying up, maybe the best, some people say that I’m the best they’ve ever seen at staying up, like the Russians, they are good at staying up and I’m good like that too, at staying up. I can stay up late when I want to stay up late,” said Trump.


Decorating For Christmas: Tips from the Professionals

NEW YORK, NY – Decorating for the holidays has become competitive in many neighborhoods across the country regardless of one’s religion.


Family Upset Dog Doesn’t Like Christmas Present

GOLDEN, CO – The Hernandez family dog, Peppers, was unimpressed with its Christmas present this year, angering the family.


Research Suggest Eating a Horse Prevents Cancer

ST. PAUL, MN – Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered that eating an entire horse every day will prevent certain types of cancers.

“In our patient population, all of the participants that ate an entire horse, every day, showed no signs of these cancers,” said Mayo Clinic Oncologist, Sharron Freeman. “It was a very surprising outcome. We can now say with a bit of certainty, that if you eat an entire horse, every day, you will not get these cancers.”


Grandma Still Perfecting Thanksgiving Facebook Post

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Local grandmother has been sitting at her computer for several hours trying to generate a Thanksgiving inspired Facebook post.


President Trump Staples Tie to Desk 63 Consecutive Days

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House staffers were both surprised and shocked earlier this week when Trump managed to staple his tie to his desk for the 63rd consecutive day.


Trump Refuses to Admit He Forgot Combination

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has forgotten the code to his briefcase but refuses to admit it to White House staff members.

“I know the combination. I know all the combinations to everything. I am the best at remembering combinations. Everyone thinks so,” said Trump. “There is absolutely nothing going on here, it’s all fake news. All those media outlets, they think they can just make up stuff about me that’s not true and then report as fact.”


Ten Ways to Make Yourself More Efficient at Work

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever.


Does this Panda Hold the Key to Faster-Than-Light Travel?

ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.


EPA: Renewable Energy Causes 104,412 Illnesses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Environmental Protection Agency has released a new study that concludes renewable energy, specifically solar and wind generated power, can cause up to 104,412 illnesses.

“(The EPA) just published a ground breaking report that clearly shows that the renewable energy that the Democrats have been pushing on us for so long is actually the cause of almost every illness that’s out there,” said EPA spokesman Frank Servees.


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